ANGER

Anger is the emotion that tells us something is wrong and energizes us to take action to fix that wrong. Whether it’s the slight anger of annoyance or the full-blown anger of rage, what the anger is telling us is that something’s wrong and must be fixed. The anger spurs us to take action and deal with the trigger.

We can’t control the basic, “instinctive” reaction of anger, but we can control what we do about it. The key to controlling our responses is to engage our whole brain, and the 3Rs help us do that. Recognize that it’s anger we’re dealing with, Reflect on what our options are, and Respond by taking positive, construction action to fix the wrong.

Gary Chapman’s approach does just that.

Recognize: When you get that sudden rush of energy and your eyes start glaring, Recognize that you’re angry and immediately look for what triggered your anger. Is your anger proportional to the trigger?

Reflect: If your anger is proportional, think of what options you have to deal with the trigger. If your anger is way out of proportion to what the trigger is, then the trigger has actually triggered a deeper wrong that you haven’t dealt with. If you can, take a bit of a break so you can recover your balance and focus on the trigger, not the old wrong, so you can think about options.

Respond: Take constructive action that is proportional to the trigger, appropriate, and, if possible, peace-promoting. If the person responsible for that old wrong is dead or no longer around, take constructive symbolic action. When you’ve done what you can, release the wrong because you’ve done what the anger was spurring you to do, to take action and deal with the trigger.

Coming soon: Beyond Anger Management