The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Pre-School to High School - How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence
by Barbara Coloroso

Recommended for:
- parents who have or will have children in school
- teachers
- understanding the bullying dynamic
- strategies for breaking the cycle of violence

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander has two parts. The first part sets out bullying dynamic, that is why a bully bullies, why someone is targetted to be bullied, and the role that bystanders play. Barbara Coloroso notes that “bullies are taught to bully” (p. 18) and that bullying is not about anger, but is rooted in the contempt, “a powerful feeling of dislike”, that the bully has for someone they consider to be “worthless, inferior, or undeserving of respect” (p. 20). A person can be targetted for many things which can be summed up as something that makes them different than the bully or makes them noticeable. Bystanders often go unnoticed, or their role is downplayed. Barbara Coloroso uses Dr. Dan Olweis’ Bullying Circle to demonstrate the role bystanders play (at p. 64). Bystanders can be henchmen who help the bully, supporters, passive supporters, disengaged onlookers, or possible defenders who do nothing.

In part two, Barbara Coloroso how we can break the cycle of violence by creating circles of caring. If your child is a bully, there are seven steps: (1) intervene immediately with discipline, (2) create opportunities to “do good”, (3) nurture empathy, (4) teach friendship skills, (5) closely monitor yoru child’s TV, video games, computer and music, (6) engage in more constructive, entertaining and energizing activities, and (7) teach your child to “will good” [speaking and doing what’s right] (pp. 106-126).

If your child is being bullied, the four most powerful antidotes are (1) a strong sense of self, (2) being a friend, (3) having at least one good friend who is there for you through thick and thin, and (4) being able to successfully get into a group (p. 137). She then goes on to suggest ways you can help your child achieve these and sets out effective ways for your child to deal with the bullying they face.

If your child is a bystander, Barbara Coloroso also sets out ways that you can help your child grow from bystander to witness. She also provides practical ways in which you can help create circles of caring in our schools and communities.

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander is not only a must-read book if you’re a parent or a teacher, it is a should-read for anyone who has to deal with bullying. I strongly recommend it.

About the author
Barbara Coloroso is recognized internationally as an expert on bullying and is well-known for her speaking and consulting work on parenting, teaching, school discipline and nonviolent conflict resolution. That reputation is not only well deserved, but is grounded in her work through the years and the many best-sellingbooks she has written. Her website can be found at http://www.kidsareworthit.com.

Published by HarperCollins Publishers Ltd., Toronto, Ontario in 2006 (paperback edition).
ISBN 978-0-00-639420-4

Review by Anne E. McTavish